Brave New Family

October 18, 2003 permalink

The Toronto Star prints a portrait of the new family headed by same-sex parents.

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The Toronto Star, Oct. 18, 2003. 01:00 AM

For the kids, it's cool

Children in lesbian and gay families find it perfectly natural to have two moms or two dads But they've learned the hard way to

Home from school, the 7-year-old slumps on the couch. "Dad, we have such hard homework to do," he moans. Dad reassures him that they'll help him, and the other man in the boy's life, Daddy, ushers him to the table for a snack.

The boy has two fathers, two gay men who adopted him three years ago from the Children's Aid Society. They also adopted a 3-year-old boy last year.

"We wanted to make a family that was ours," explains Daddy, a 49-year-old property manager.

"I always wanted to be a father," says Dad, 32, an educational assistant studying social work. They asked not to be named.

In the couple's tidy home, Dad points to a framed photo of the two men and their sons with the judge at the final adoption procedure.

"You know you've done the right thing when the judge tells you he's proud to preside over your second adoption," says Dad. "The judge told us, `I applaud you guys.'"

While same-sex marriage has captured the headlines recently, same-sex parenthood -- a quieter revolution -- has become increasingly popular and possible.

But not everyone is as approving as the adoption judge presiding in the case of Dad and Daddy. Homosexual parents and their children still face blatant prejudices and, more commonly, feel society's downright discomfort when confronted with two moms or two dads.

The kids constantly weigh the risks of coming out about their folks. In a Grade 12 family studies class recently, an 18-year-old girl quietly debated what to do when a boy started saying ill-informed things about children of gays and lesbians.

She decided to go for it. "I come from a family with two lesbian moms," she told her classmates. And their response? "They were nice, but stunned, weirded out. I felt like I dropped a bombshell."

Numbers of gay and lesbian families are hard to gauge. In the 2001 census, 2,900 same-sex couples reported having at least one child living at home, according to Statistics Canada. But that doesn't include single or non-custodial parents or those not willing to identify themselves as a same-sex couple.

While many of the children spring from previous heterosexual unions, more are being born into homosexual families. The lesbian baby boom -- thanks to donor insemination -- began almost two decades ago.

The gay male's embrace of fatherhood is still in the toddler stage. This year, a new workshop, "Daddies and Papas 2B," was offered by the 519 Church Street Community Centre and the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered Parenting Network. It proved so popular, it's running again this fall. It covers the options: Gay men can now adopt openly as a couple, go the surrogate route -- with at least $35,000 for expenses -- or make arrangements with a woman to have a child and share the parenting.

Not all gays and lesbians, however, cheer on family values. One lesbian reports that when she was pregnant, another said to her: "So you're one of the breeders now."

There's some fear in the community that an emphasis on parenting could make the gay and lesbian movement more traditional, more conservative, explains Rachel Epstein, co-ordinator of the LGBT Parenting Network, part of the Family Service Association. "The debate in the community is how to exercise our desire to be parents and not dull the edges of what's been a radical movement."

For the children, there are now support groups, Web sites and, in some schools, anti-homophobia workshops to help avoid -- at least theoretically -- playground nastiness. There's even recognition from primetime television. This fall, ABC introduced the sitcom It's All Relative, about a young engaged couple -- she was raised by wealthy, educated gay men and he's the son of a prejudiced Irish-Catholic bartender and his wife.

Studies show the children of lesbians and gays are as well-adjusted as their peers.

"No research indicates any emotional, cognitive or mental health problems compared to children of heterosexual parents," says Judith Stacey, sociology professor at New York University. Some studies indicate that they exhibit a greater respect for people's differences.

"As a kid, I learned how fear and misinformation work," says Chris Veldhoven, 36, an anti-homophobia consultant who grew up with a gay father in small-town Nova Scotia. "I'm the stronger for it."

More than 12 years ago, André Chamberlain answered an ad in a gay newspaper looking for a potential sperm donor and co-parent. For him, being an anonymous donor held no appeal. "I always wanted a child in my life, but being a full-time dad wasn't realistic," says Chamberlain, 41, a lawyer.

He met numerous times with Mariana Valverde, who would carry the baby, and her partner, Maggi Redmonds.

"We both really wanted kids -- it was a pivotal issue in coming together," explains Redmonds, 56, a health care administrator. If possible, they felt it preferable for the child to know his father.

A son was born. Chamberlain is the legal father and has access. The two women have legal joint custody. "I live with their decisions," he says.

Differences have arisen but, over the years, the three have been able to talk through any problems. "It's a fairly flexible arrangement that's evolved over time," Redmonds says.

The family grew five years ago when Redmonds adopted a girl, now 7. Chamberlain and the little girl bonded quickly.

"She looked up at me one day and asked, `Are you my Dad?'" Chamberlain recounts. "I said, `Well, dear, we'll have to talk to your mothers about that.'"

The answer was yes. He has the kids every second weekend, either one or two at a time, pitches in with child care and takes them both on holiday every summer. "They're pretty much my anchor to the world," he says.

Now 11, the boy is bright and well-spoken. He was about 5 when he realized most kids didn't have two moms. "It came as a shock," he says. "I've only fully understood in the last few years, talking to my moms and my dad."

Occasionally, kids have teased him. "It's trivial. I don't pay attention," he says. "They want a reaction and I don't give them one."

In the future, he might like to be a lawyer, like his dad, he says, but specialize in discrimination cases. "I could relate. I know what it's like to be different."

For the kids to handle homophobia, the parents must be able to do so. "They have to be prepared to be out or they instill shame in their kids," says Epstein of the LGBT Parenting Network.

It can get tricky if a parent is just coming out. Much will be dictated by how the straight parent reacts, says psychotherapist Mary Dyson. In one case, a teenage boy adopted his father's bigoted attitudes, verbally and physically assaulting his lesbian mother.

While most schools preach anti-discrimination, enforcement on homophobia varies widely. The Toronto District School Board has a history of taking the issue seriously, says David Rayside, professor of political science and sexual diversity studies at the University of Toronto. "Other districts are making baby steps."

A watchdog group largely of parents, the Anti-Homophobia Equity Coalition, monitors what goes on in Toronto schools and provides workshops for teachers. "The schools run the gamut," says chair Lainie Magidsohn. "Some celebrate Pride Day and others are out of the Dark Ages."

In Toronto, school board social worker Steven Solomon runs anti-homophobia workshops for students. Last year, he met with 250 classes in more than 40 schools. Solomon also helps run a support group, COLAGE, Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere, that meets twice a month. "For these kids, it's the first time everyone around the table has a family that looks like theirs."

Despite all the best intentions, kids can get burned. The middle school years, when puberty hits, can be particularly rough, Epstein says.

"I told my best friend and she turned on me," says a 15-year-old daughter of lesbians. "She told people I don't like, including a big mouth, that my parents were gay."

The girl started getting harassing messages on MSN one night, and kids at school the next morning kept it up. But her teacher stepped in. While the girl was out of class, he made it clear -- further harassment would lead to suspension. The kids laid off.

That was Grade 7. Her family has since moved and she's now in high school. The few new friends she's told about her family have been supportive. But, initially, she dances around the topic. "I ask questions first, to see how they feel about it. You have to be careful."

As for their own sexual orientation, studies show that the vast majority of children of gays and lesbians are heterosexual, says sociologist Stacey, a senior researcher with the Council on Contemporary Families. She adds that a slightly higher percentage than their peers define themselves as not exclusively heterosexual.

The straight children, however, are still steeped in their parents' world. "It's what feels familiar," says Makeda Zook, 16, the heterosexual daughter of two lesbians. She volunteers with an anti-homophobia group, and one of her best friends is lesbian. "We talk about queer issues," she says. Her boyfriends, she adds, have been cool about her family.

She, however, wasn't always so cool. As a kid, she didn't invite friends home. "Nothing had ever happened. It was just paranoia built up by general remarks." But her high school's atmosphere was accepting and she came out. "I'm confident I'm straight, but I enjoy interacting with lesbians and gays."

There's actually a name coined for this: "Culturally Queer, Erotically Straight," according to Abigail Garner, 31, author of the upcoming book, Families Like Mine: Children Of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is.

The Minneapolis-based Garner speaks on college campuses, publishes a newsletter, writes articles and has a Web site for gay and lesbian families. When she was 5, her father left her mother for a man, and she grew up in both households.

"Regardless of our own sexual orientation, our heritage has `queered' us," Garner wrote in a U.S. newspaper. From her two gay fathers, she learned to carefully use language, be wary of organized religion, love gourmet food, always demand latex and appreciate musicals.

"I know the words to show tunes," Garner says. "At camp when we'd sweep the cabin, I'd break into Matchmaker, Matchmaker. The other girls were so entertained, I realized, `They don't do this in their homes.'"

Source: Toronto Star